In an incident that is likely to tear a rent in the very fabric of British society, Bruce Burgess, the TV lie detector expert for ITV’s The Jeremy Kyle Show, was yesterday given a suspended prison sentence…for lying.
Despite the minor nature of the offence, forecasters predict the knock-on effects are likely to be catastrophic. In a country brought to its knees by greed-fuelled bankers and corrupt politicians, The Jeremy Kyle Show stood as the last bastion of morality, providing a daily dose of home-grown justice for a population no longer grounded in the rigid doctrines of institutionalised religion.
Each week members of the public are herded onto a platform and forced to confess to sins such as selling their child for a rock of crack or spending all the child benefit at Ladbrokes. Meanwhile from atop his pulpit Jeremy works the crowd up into a Nuremberg-esque frenzy of vitriolic wrath. The condemned are then given an opportunity to repent and bathe in the forgiveness of St Kyle, before being led away to begin a new life.
Yet without this daily televised ordeal of the triumph of good over evil, the invisible walls of decency and respect that protect our fragile civilisation look set to crumble like a sandcastle built by a partially-sighted four year old.
In a statement released today Dirk Twigg, High Priest of The Holy Church of Kyle, announced “in a secular country such as Britain, St Jezza is the only representation of divine retribution. When even his trusty disciple Bruce Burgess, detector of lies, is caught telling porkies, what hope is there for the rest of us poor souls?”
No hope at all according to local authorities, who have already issued statements advising all citizens to board up doors and windows and watch from the safety of their rooftops as the fragile equilibrium between right and wrong is finally shattered and the country descends into an anarchy of Mad Max 2 proportions.
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