Tuesday 23 March 2010

France refuses citizenship to shaved woman

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 4 February 2010 . View the original here.

The French government has refused to grant citizenship to a foreign national on the grounds that he forced his wife to shave.

Immigration minister Eric Besson said the application was refused because the individual was depriving his wife of the liberty to come and go with her face covered with hair.

The minister described how “eet became apparent during ze regulation investigation and ze prior interview zat zis person was compelling his wife to cover her body with a trimmer or waxing products from head to toe before she went out een public. He was clearly depriving her ov ze god-given right to display her natural arm pit forests, grotesque hobbit legs and possibly even a wispy moustache. Zis is a clear rejection of ze French principles of tolerance and equality between men and women.”

The news follows hot on the heels of a French parliamentary committee proposition calling for a ban on full body shaving. It also recommended that anyone showing visible signs of “extremist fundamentalist personal hygiene practice” be refused residence permits and citizenship.

Despite being the proud owner of a suspiciously well groomed wife himself, President Sarcozy went on record to say “a full body shave ees a challenge to our republic. Being able to display your body hair in public ees a natural right, neigh, a duty for every French citizen. We must condemn zis excess”.

The controversy has sparked rumours of whether a similar ban would be proposed on this side of the channel. However Home Secretary Alan Johnson was quick to tell journalists “legislation telling people how to maintain your bodies is fundamentally un-British. This country has a long and dignified history of allowing its citizens to use grooming products. In fact I’ve just paid for the wife to get a Brazlian. And very nice it looks to”.

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