CFCF - It Was Never Meant To Be (Games remix)

Ben at StopLookListen kindly asked me to submit a guest review for his blog. You can read the original here along with a link to download the track for free. Enjoy!
Although this track has been available online for over a month now, I feel it's been criminally overlooked and is overdue for some recognition. You may already be familiar with CFCF as Canadian producer Michael Silver, whose eighties-influenced EP 'The River' has been garnering praise in all the right places.

Another act infatuated with the decade of shoulder pads and day-glo leggings are Games. Their debut EP 'That We Can Play' released last month evokes John Hughes soundtracks and half-remembered power ballads and is capable of transporting you back to the eighties faster than a DeLorean travelling at 88 miles per hour.

You'd therefore be forgiven for expecting this remix to be a lesson in nostalgia as pointless as a Milli Vanilli reunion, but the production is cuttingly contemporary. Stuttering synth lines and screaming sine waves are reminiscent of a restrained Justice, while the melodic breakdowns offer precious moments of respite before the old skool electro bassline re-emerges to drag you onto the dancefloor. Daunting enough when played through a decent system, it's only when heard through headphones that Games' intricate production values become apparent. In fact I've listened to this track so much recently that I think I'm now partially deaf.

Stereolab: 'Not Music'

A review I wrote for FACT magzine. Read the original here.

With a career spanning two decades, Stereolab are a British institution. At various periods welding together krautrock, electronica, sixties pop and even European cinema soundtracks, they created a defiantly distinctive sound that has never been successfully replicated. For many the band were at their most appealing in the mid-nineties, when their restrained retro-futurist experiments acted as the perfect antidote to the mainstream excesses of the Britpop era.

Amble forward to 2010 and we find the fate of the group hanging in the balance. After announcing an indefinite hiatus last year, the experience of listening to Not Music is tainted by the knowledge that this could well be their last release. You’d therefore be forgiven for expecting to hear the despondent death rattle of a band long since cast into irrelevance, yet the LP sounds surprisingly fresh. A sister album to 2008′s Chemical Chords, this new offering consists of tracks made during the same studio sessions, yet it is far more than a collection of cast-offs and B-sides. Instead it stands as a worthy addition to the group’s canon in its own right.

Most of the tracks on offer conform to the traditional Stereolab template. Upbeat opener ‘Everybody’s Weird Except Me’ sets the tone for the album: unashamedly kitsch while remaining effortlessly cool, its playful chimes, vintage keys and Laetitia Sadier’s enticing vocals could have been lifted straight from 1994′s Mars Audiac Quintet. The instrumental ‘Equivalence’ also harks back to the finer moments on Emperor Tomato Ketchup and its layered guitars and scattershot percussion acknowledge that the band are more than simply a backing group for Sadier’s Gallic tones.

Yet aside from the standard fare there are plenty of surprises for those willing to dig a bit deeper. ‘Delugeoisie’ is a mournful, off-kilter delight while ‘Sun Demon’ opens with a refrain lifted straight from The Castaways’ ‘Liar Liar’ before mutating into an up-tempo rhythmic workout. Persevere and you can also find the warped fairground ride of ‘Aelita’ and the mischievous time-signature changes of ‘Leleklato Sugar’.

Always comfortable to take inspiration from their own back catalogue, it’s unsurprising that Stereolab have often drawn criticism for being too self-referential. That being the case, it was a wise move to toss in a couple of remixes amongst the new material, allowing some fresh faces to re-contextualise their sound. Emperor Machine’s take on ‘Silver Sands’ deposits Sadier’s glacial voice on top of razor-edged synths and driving percussion to create the ultimate soundtrack to a road trip down Kraftwerk’s autobahn. Weirder by far is a remix of ‘Neon Beanbag’ courtesy of Atlas Sound. The Deerhunter front man deconstructs what was originally a featherweight pop tune and transforms it into an eight minute odyssey of gradually intensifying sonic atmospherics. The end result sounds like a transmission beamed back from the Phoenix Mars probe if it encountered aliens with a penchant for Brian Eno and Panda Bear.

After a string of unremarkable releases culminating in the decidedly lacklustre Chemical Chords, it was hard to morn the passing of a group that seemed to have passed its sell-by date. In this context the release of an album so full of potential over a year after the band’s dissolution can be interpreted as either a defiant riposte to critics or simply a timely reminder for fans that their loyalty was deserved. Whether paying homage to their past or looking to the future it’s clear that Stereolab still have a unique place in British music; a bittersweet realisation when their own future is so uncertain.

No Joy: 'No Summer'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.

The seventh release on fledgling London label Sexbeat (with Stateside release from Mexican Summer) comes courtesy of Laura Lloyd and Jasamine White-Gluz, a.k.a No Joy. Residing physically in Montreal and LA respectively, it’s clear their hearts lie firmly in California circa 1986. Both tracks on offer here could have come straight from the vaults of iconic Long Beach label SST, with perhaps a quick detour via the proto-grunge of early Sub Pop.

‘No Summer’ is abrasive yet melodic, with churning guitars providing a bed of broken glass on which the singer’s dreamy vocals manage to nestle seductively. Evoking the spectres of late ’80s shoegaze as well as Daydream Nation-era Sonic Youth, it flirts between blunted bliss and moments that would be almost anthemic if the vocals were allowed to take centre stage rather than hovering anonymously over the track.

‘No Joy’ is, as the title suggests, a moodier affair. Grinding, distorted riffs occasionally give way to clean, confident chords while the vocals remain almost completely submerged throughout. It’s the contrast between the raw, extrovert instrumentation and the detached contemplation of the female vocalist that make both these songs work. We’re listening to a group in love with the sound of guitars rather than their own voices, and while neither track makes much attempt to break new ground, that hardly seems to be the point.

Lone - 'Once In A While'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. You can view the original here.

Matt Cutler’s recent promo mix for XOYO showed a man infatuated with early ’90s dance music, and his latest release on Werk Discs continues the theme. A love letter to the Detroit sound as well as UK rave, ‘Once In A While’ has rapidly risen to anthem status since Kode9 selected it as the exuberant opener to his DJ-Kicks mix.

The best club tracks are capable of creating their own atmosphere and here the Nottingham producer effortlessly captures the breezy optimism of early rave. Re-pitched steel drums skip across an undulating surface of lush synths and scattershot 808 pads, while a buoyant bassline propels the track from below. Picking up where last Lone single ‘Angel Brain’ left off, this is another lesson in un-self conscious nostalgia, incorporating all the tropes of a specific era of dance music while remaining current enough to prevent it becoming merely a delightful anachronism.

Lone made his name with albums referencing the disjointed hip-hop of Flying Lotus and the electro-boogie of Dam-Funk and it’s not yet clear whether this release is the continuation of a brief flirtation with rave or indication of a more deliberate stylistic shift. Encouragingly the tantalising previews of forthcoming mini-album Emerald Fantasy Tracks suggest that he has plenty more to offer in this area: a prospect to make even the most jaded electronic music fan go weak at the knees.

Autre Ne Veut: 'Autre Ne Veut'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.Olde English Spelling Bee seem to be a label on a mission at the moment, determined to release the best independent pop music imaginable. In the last twelve months the New York imprint has given us inspired offerings from Ducktails, Forest Swords and Broken Troubles, and now they can add Autre Ne Veut to the list. This self-titled debut LP sees the singer-songwriter use a similar lo-fi pop template to his labelmates as a springboard from which to launch himself at everything from ’80s soul and electro to ’90s r’n'b and electronica, all fused together by his distinctive disjointed harmonies.

While drawing on numerous sources for inspiration, ANV handles each of them in a seemingly un-ironic way, retaining a sense of innocent mischief which ensures that each song is as unpredictable as it is enjoyable. A perfect example is ‘Drama Cum Drama’, which announces itself with pleading moans over sparse beats before ascending into a mumbled Prince-influenced ballad, while recent single ‘Wake Up’ sees him melting down the spirit of ’90s slow jams into a puddle of analogue bubbles over which his heartfelt screeches are allowed to roam unrestrainedly.

The tracks are often constructed around one key element, whether it’s the playful synth line in ‘Demoneyez’ or the militaristic shuffling snares of ‘Soldier’. However this simplicity disguises an ear for detail that only reveals itself on repeat listens, most noticeably in the sluggish bassline and delicately layered vocals offered up on album highlight ‘OMG’.

That’s not to say that the album is without its faults: the vacuous crooning on ‘Emotional’ leaves an after-taste of self-indulgence and I’m sure there are those for whom the LP’s moments of un-tempered saccharine sentiment may be too much to bear. Yet for those of us who see “pop” as an aspiration rather than a dirty word, this is another intriguing release from a label that clearly prides itself on that same philosophy.

I heart Ninja Tune records

I've always had a borderline obsession with Ninja Tune. As a school kid in the early noughties, the label provided me with my first taste of dance music outside of the suffocating confines of the soulless trance and commercial house that saturated the airwaves. Copies of Roots Manuva's Run Come Save Me and Mr Scruff's Keep It Unreal would be passed eagerly around my school common room and it was through acts like The Herbaliser and Amon Tobin that I learnt that it was possible to enjoy the rough breakbeats of hip hop free from the inane bragging and posturing that I naively assumed defined the genre.

Intuitively my friends and I realised that there was something uniquely British about the way these artists approached making music, irreverently throwing together dub basslines with jazz flutes, bizarre sound effects or maybe even a monologue about fish. Perhaps it's for this reason that as I've grown older I've always felt a kinship with the label and it was through Ninja Tune that I was I first introduced to genres like grime and dubstep, scenes that I might initially have allowed to pass me by.

So to celebrate the label's twentieth anniversary, I’ve compiled my ten favourite releases from this auspicious label, which the nice guys at FACT magazine have been kind enough to publish. While the list is by no means definitive, I hope it will give a flavour of the diverse array of talent on a record label that has immensely enriched my life. You can read the full feature here.

Water Borders: 'Akko' / 'Rome'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.Witch-house has been used as a cumbersome catch-all tag to describe a range of artists with often little discernible connection, so it’s refreshing to find a pair of musicians who appear to have adopted the term as a statement of intent instead of convenience. Rather than use the sonic signifiers of goth as a gimmick, San Fran duo Amitai Holler and Loric Sih aka Water Borders clearly intended their debut 12″ on Hungry For Power to be a deeply unsettling experience, and in this respect they have succeeded.

Opener ‘Akko’ gets off to an atmospheric start, with an ominous intro leading into an uncompromisingly bleak soundscape complete with cod-Bela Lugosi voice intoning menacingly through a shroud of reverb. The beat is industrial in a literal sense, composed of scattershot metallic samples and a reverberating bass note. The duo have described the track’s subject matter as “men engaged in dangerous and taboo sexual liaisons” and there is certainly a sense of voyeurism here, the result of an intense and uninvited intimacy.

‘Rome’, a collaboration with Glasser, continues the theme but throws the singer’s seductive vocals into the mix to make for a more palatable listening experience. By turns hypnotic, disturbing and palpably erotic, it features various discordant effects fading in and out to create a feeling of unearthly chaos that is only heightened by its contrast with Glasser’s dulcet tones.

Both of the remixes help lift the tracks from the graveyard onto the dancefloor. Petal grounds ‘Akko’ with a throbbing 4/4 rhythm and monotonous bassline, perforated by otherworldly screeches and later looping the original vocal to head-nodding effect. In contrast Merlo transforms ‘Rome’ with the aid of UK Funky-esque beats and guttural bleeps which, while holding little in common with the rest of the EP, rounds off the package nicely. This is certainly a promising start from the duo, and you won’t forget any of the four productions in a hurry: each one is genuinely unnerving, and the 12″ is all the more enjoyable for it.

Games: ‘Everything is Working’

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.

Dan Lopatin seems incapable of putting a foot wrong at the moment. Earlier this month we reviewed his poignant acoustic collaboration with Antony Hegarty under his most prominent guise, Oneohtrix Point Never, and now this. Games is Lopatin’s partnership with Tiger City’s Joel Ford, and represents yet another chance for the synth wizard to demonstrate his remarkable versatility. The duo have already garnered a reputation for themselves through a series of acclaimed mixtapes and now finally offer us a 7” release.

The results do not disappoint. ‘Everything Is Working’ retains the intricately layered production values and barely discernable murmurings that have become Lopatin’s trademark, but the introduction of a beat early on immediately makes the track feel more substantial, fitting comfortably alongside early Boards of Canada or the loosely defined chillwave of acts like Neon Indian or Toro Y Moi.

Like the video, which features a girl holding a one-sided conversation while eating a Choc Ice, the track slowly progresses while also seeming to remain frozen in one glorious second of catatonic bliss, exuding a warmth that mirrors the vague optimism of the title. Anyone who’s listened to Tiger City’s Ancient Love will know that the band aren’t ashamed of their infatuation with the ‘80s and Joel Ford seems to have carried this passion across to ‘Everything Is Working’. The result is a track that sounds like the instrumental to the best power ballad never made, and that can only be a good thing.

Andy Butler & Jason Kendig: ‘And I’m (So In Love With You)’

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.As individuals we all need a purpose, a driving force that imbues our lives with a sense of meaning and gives us a reason to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning. The same is true for record labels. Countless imprints are set up by producers each year with no remit other than to release music that they find vaguely interesting, the result being that they often lack a true sense of identity or cohesion, and as such fail to sustain either their interest or ours. Andrew Butler is clearly a man who doesn’t abide by this “whatever works” philosophy and has vowed that his new label MR.INTL will focus exclusively on music made in the spirit of first wave house and techno. In fact the Hercules and Love Affair head honcho has gone so far as to state that he doesn’t want “anything that sounds pre-’85 or post-’94.”

Working within such strict confines also appears to have liberated Butler as a producer. ‘And I’m (so in love with you)’ is a collaboration with Detroit techno veteran Jason Kendig, who evidently shares Butler’s zeal for re-creating this golden era of dance music, and it’s reassuring to know that it was entirely recorded on pre-1992 vintage equipment. Not surprisingly the use of these analogue machines adds a warmth and depth to the track that is noticeable from the opening bars. Taking modern dance sensibilities and feeding them through outdated equipment is always an interesting experiment, regardless of whether the results are revelatory or simply for nostalgia’s sake. ‘And I’m (so in love with you)’ falls somewhere in between, taking full advantage of an elasticated bassline and a classic dance vocal intonating “this house” to create a bumping groove that effortlessly evokes the golden era of the Chi-town box jam. There are also clear elements of early Detroit techno in the zig-zagging analogue bleeps that emerge halfway through.

Neither of the remixes stray too far from this formula. Deetron submerges the bass for much of the track, giving the synth waves space to rise and fall and making for a more intense listening experience, while Bulgarian producer KiNK throws some harder percussive elements into the mix to create an edgier track with arguably more dance loor potential. The end result is an EP that should fit snugly into any self-respecting house aficionado’s record box. With such a promising start, let’s hope that Butler has the courage to stick to his convictions on later releases.

Katy B: 'Katy On A Mission'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. Read the original here.Unless you’ve been hiding in a sound-proofed cave for the last few months you’re probably already familiar with the Benga-produced anthem ‘Katy On A Mission’. The track sees 20 year old Katy crooning soulfully over an accessible version of dubstep: light on the bass but with vocal hooks you could snag your hoodie on. Katy has the eloquent delivery that you’d expect from a BRIT school graduate with a degree in popular music and it perfectly complements the mid-range drone and energetic beats supplied by Benga.

B-side, the Zinc-produced ‘Louder’ features Katy singing about partying into the early hours over a watered-down version of the producer’s trademark crack-house. Both Zinc and Benga have modified their sound for maximum radio exposure, but while the purist in me wants to sneer at any music that wears its commercial agenda so openly I can’t deny that both productions are scarily addictive.

The South London vocalist is currently riding the crest of the UK Funky wave, cannily turning down a number of major label offers to sign with Rinse earlier this year. Since then the singer has lent vocals to The Count and Sinden’s Mega Mega Mega as well as collaborating with dubstep supergroup Magnetic Man on forthcoming single ‘Perfect Stranger’. You don’t need a degree in popular music to see that Katy B is at the vanguard of the UK dance scene’s continuing assault on the mainstream, and with tracks like these she might just succeed.

Robyn: 'Body Talk Pt.2'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. Read the original here.
I’m not sure exactly what’s happened to Robyn in the past to make her so distrustful of emotions, but her fans should be grateful that it’s provided such a deep source of inspiration for the Swedish singer. 2010 is shaping up to be a prolific year for the synth-pop icon, with the second of three mini-albums to be released this year picking up where part Pt. 1 left off, a quantity-focused approach not hindering Robyn’s knack for penning a catchy melody.

Euphoric opener ‘In My Eyes’ sets the tone for the album, with Robyn’s voice surfing waves of synths underpinned by chunky beats. While there’s a recurrent theme about staying guarded against strong emotions and the dangers of blurring the boundaries between friendship and love, the songs themselves are genuinely upbeat and the album flits seamlessly between the Rihanna-esque electro-r’n’b of ‘Criminal Intent’ and the out-and-out pop of ‘Hang Out’. Body Talk Pt. 2 reunites Robyn with past collaborators Diplo and Kleerup and there is a keen awareness of the dance floor that was occasionally lacking in Pt. 1. The unlikely duet with Snoop Dogg on ‘U Should Know Better’ also shows that Robyn is still capable of surprises, even if it features her unconvincingly trying to persuade us that “even the Vatican knows better than to fuck with me”. The fact that the track itself is only a handful of snares away from the electro-drum’n’bass of John B shows that she’s still trying to push the boundaries of pop music.

As with her acclaimed self-titled debut, Robyn manages to strike a balance between sincere reflection and mischievous fun that’s as enjoyable as it is endearing, and it’s hard to dislike any album where the singer offers up the platitude “this one’s for the grannies, take a bow”. Eight tracks is about right for one sitting, ensuring that the pace doesn’t let up until we reach the acoustic finale of ‘Indestructible’. In essence this is another short, sharp dose of Robyn and just enough to keep her fans satisfied until she releases Pt. 3.

FunkinEven: 'Heartpound'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.
FunkinEven is a producer who can’t help but let his personality bleed through onto each of his productions. An encyclopaedic knowledge of electronic music allows him to meander down the aisles of dance history, selecting genres at will and adding them to his machine-funk shopping basket. This time it’s the turn of old skool rave, hardcore and classic electro to be affectionately co-opted and re-sculpted by the West Londoner. Nostalgia isn’t always a bad thing, and that’s certainly a philosophy that FunkinEven has applied generously to the tenth release on Eglo.

‘Heartpound’ revolves around an acid bassline, orbited by a tongue-in-cheek vocal and insistent piano keys. The producer’s intensive work ethic shines through here and the end result is a fun and competent – if not exactly groundbreaking – number. It’s B-side ‘Another Space’ that elevates this single above efforts from FunkinEven’s peers: another track that wears its old skool aspirations on its sleeve, its relentless hardcore stabs and some scarily effective drum programming are liable to make you jerk like an electrocuted zombie. Detroit-esque strings and an unashamedly over the top vocal pleading to “let me take you off” are the other winning components to a cut that the producer clearly enjoyed making.

Neither side of the EP takes itself too seriously, which in a world of po-faced dubstep and routinely soulless house is almost certainly a good thing. With a remix of Hyperdub’s Ikonika and appearances as part of the Fatima live band in the pipeline, this single secures FunkinEven’s reputation as a versatile and talented addition to the Eglo family.

Holy Fuck: 'Red Lights'

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. View the original here.

Improvisational electronica can often be a difficult child to love, but Holy Fuck have already shown that they’ve got a knack for breathing new life into a genre that can sometimes seem obsessed with navel-gazing. The second release from their recent album Latin on Young Turks, ‘Red Lights’ is no attempt at high art but is instead a textbook example of how to pair a simple guitar groove with an insistent drum beat, especially if that textbook was written by a disco casualty who recently discovered Primal Scream’s Vanishing Point. There’s a scuzzy, funk-fuelled energy that propels this track through ever-mounting crescendos, and Brian Borcherdt’s keyboards do an ample job of lending ‘Red Lights’ a rough texture, creating something that commands you to stomp like a jack-booted storm trooper. The B-Side continues the seventies theme, with a distorted bass that possesses more than a hint of a Blaxploitation soundtrack.

Set amongst the other tracks on Latin, ‘Red Lights’ stood out as the most outright danceable and emotionally upbeat number and listening to the track in isolation imbues it with an added sense of vitality. It’s hard not admire Holy Fuck’s strict adherence to their remit of creating electronic music without laptops or computer programming – the results are often surprising and always entertaining, and ‘Red Lights’ is no exception.

Review of 'Returnal' by Oneohtrix Point Never and Antony Hegarty

A review I wrote for FACT magazine. Read the original here.
The most inspired collaborations are often those that would never occur to most people, and who would have thought that putting modern day synth maestro Oneohtrix Point Never and Antony Hegarty of Antony and the Johnsons fame in the same room would have such revelatory results?

This reworking of the title track from Oneohtrix’s most recent LP finds him effortlessly swapping synthesizer for piano to show that he’s far from a one trick pony. While the original was an elegant example of the ethereal soundscapes that have become Oneohtrix’s trademark, this reinterpretation is decidedly more tangible. No longer smothered in intricate layers of synth modulations, Oneohtrix uses the piano to scoop out handfuls of the melody and lay them out in front of the listener.

The same can be said for the vocals, where Antony draws out meaning from Oneohtrix’s indiscernible murmurings. While I still might not understand Anthony’s references to the “internet as a self-atomising machine”, his poignant declaration that “you’ve never left, you’ve been here the whole time” reverberates in the air long after the final piano chord has dissipated into the ether. The wavering vocals also lend the track a sense of vulnerability that is, if not missing, then certainly camouflaged in the original. Between them the pair extract a disarmingly emotive and ultimately human piece of music, a thing of fragile beauty that is a testament both to the chameleonic talents of Oneohtrix and confirmation of Antony’s status as a vocalist of understated power.

Interview with The Qemists

A feature I wrote for Knowledge magazine. View the original here.

Liam Black, Dan Arnold and Leon Harris are The Qemists, the production outfit that shook up the drum & bass scene in 2009 with their rock-infused debut album Join The Q. Since then they have toured around the world and earned themselves a reputation as a truly unique live act.

The trio are now back with their much anticipated follow up Spirit In The System to be released on August 16th, as well as an exclusive mix for Knowledge. We caught up with Dan from the group to find out what they have in store for us...

First off, I know I'm not the only one eagerly awaiting the new album. How is it going to differ from Join The Q?

In a few ways. I think the new album is a little more grown up. We've learnt a lot in the last 18 months through touring the last album and I think we've learned what works well and what doesn't.

We wanted to create bigger effects, by adding a bit more rock for the rock parts and a bit more drum & bass for the drum & bass parts. Hopefully we've created a more cohesive body of work.

Enter Shikari, Invasion and The Automatic all make appearances on the album. What attracts you to working with vocalists?

Different reasons really. With Enter Shikari we'd toured with them in Japan last year and we became quite good friends. We really wanted to get them on the album and lay down some vocals and guitar and we were really pleased with the result.

In terms of the singer from The Automatic, that was Liam's choice. It was just a case of phoning him up and asking if he'd like to do it. He'd never done any guesting before so it was quite interesting for him.

With The Invasion it was kind of a link through our manager. They're a death metal band and he's got this amazing voice.

You've mentioned recently that the new album is designed to provoke an emotional response in the listener. Do you find vocalists help to add this emotional depth?

Yeah definitely. We kept telling them we didn't want stories or self-narratives. We wanted feelings and emotional content. We worked closely with the artists on the lyrical content and Jenna G's track in particular is really quite deep. I'd say emotion is very important for our records at the moment.

Iron Shirt is one of my all time favourite drum & bass tracks, based around a really recognisable sample. With a background in live performance, do you prefer working with samples or creating your own sounds from scratch?

More and more we prefer creating our sounds from scratch, and in fact there aren't any riff or hook samples on the new album. I find it harder to find wicked samples these days, partly because as the years go by more get used. We try and make tunes that allow us to use our knowledge of playing music. Having said that if the right sample comes along I'd still use it.

Certainly the new single (Your Revolution) has quite a live feel. Is that deliberate or does it come naturally?

It did come quite naturally. We were always trying to keep the sound almost half rock and half dance. After touring around Europe for six months last year it was always at the back of our minds that we were going to be doing it again this year, so we were thinking about what would work well live. But we're also careful that we don't let that hold us back.

How do you find working with three of you in the studio? Do you have many musical differences or arguments?

A little bit, but we've been working with each other for so long that we're all on a similar level. The tracks will often start off as an idea from one individual who might go off on their own and craft it, and then we'll come together to finish it. We do normally agree and I think we know how each other thinks and know each other's styles.

You've been signed to Ninja Tune for five years now. As a drum & bass act, have you found it to be a benefit or a hindrance being signed to such an eclectic label?

Well it's a bit of both. Part of the thing is that there is no-one else on the label making similar music to us, which can be hard. But on the other hand we like the freedom and their infrastructure is great. Everyone is very helpful and there's a real collectiveness.

I wouldn't change it, although it's a shame there isn't another dancefloor orientated act on the label. To some people it might be more of a problem but we're kind of used to it now.

I'd love to hear The Qemists make a contribution to their Solid Steel mix compilation series. Are there any plans for this in the near future?

It's funny you should say that because someone asked me that the other day. It's completely up to the label. There are no firm plans, but Ninja Tune have got their twentieth birthday coming up in October so they're busy with that at the moment. Maybe next year.

You were all originally in a rock band together and now perform live. What are your thoughts on the age old debate: live performances versus DJ sets?

I love mixing and I love DJing. I've been DJing for the last ten years and they are both very different things. With a DJ set you're slamming one track into another, but when you're playing live you can take one of those tunes and play it in its entirety for five minutes. The crowd reaction and the intensity is amplified with a live set, but I couldn't say which I prefer as they both have great points.

Aside from rock and drum & bass, are there any other major influences on your sound?

We've been listening to a lot more 140bpm music, like dubstep, and that's definitely had an influence on the album. But between us we listen to almost everything, from classical to hip hop to grunge. It's all about reigning in those influences around a beat-driven track.

And finally, what can we expect from your guest mix?

It's similar to what we've been doing in our DJ sets at the moment, using four decks and three mixers. It's across the board, working in some electro sounds and recent drum & bass along with tracks from the new album. Basically it's all our favourite tunes at the moment.

Words: James Waldron

Interview with DJ Cubist

An article I wrote for Knowledge magazine. View the original here.

Australian DJ / producer Cubist was recently named as one of our top ten producers to watch in 2010. When not busy in the studio making tunes for the likes of Zombie, Advisory and Allsorts he finds time to run a drum & bass night in Melbourne and hold down a radio show on Australian Kiss FM. As he was kind enough to offer us an exclusive mix to promote his UK tour, we thought it was time we caught up with the man himself...

You're a classically trained musician with a Bachelor of Music Performance degree. Has this had an influence on your sound?

In all honesty I think the people with no formal musical training create the best music. People like Goldie and Roni Size. Because when you know about music theory you can't help but refer to your knowledge. When you don't have musical training you write just on vibes. But at the same time it does help with an understanding of notes and frequencies. I didn't discover drum & bass until I was at the end of high school. In Australia drum & bass and most bass driven dance music is very underground, so I just wish I'd discovered it at an earlier age.

How did you first get into DJing and producing drum & bass?

After high school I went to university and did a music degree, studying cello. At uni I found this unused music computer room with sequencing programs. I started skipping classes and just sat in there by myself learning how to sequence beats. At the same time I was going out to a local drum & bass weekly called Just Rite. Shouts to DJ Dopebeat and MC Wasp!

So I started to spend my weekends getting blazed and dancing to drum & bass. Then I'd spend my weeks at uni trying to write beats. I had no idea what I was doing. I probably spent five years getting my beats sounding pretty lame. If I'd known someone who knew something about writing beats to give me some advice I could get to the same level in about six months, no jokes.

At the same time I bought some decks and started collecting vinyl. Then a mate and I started a monthly party called Audible Level. It was pretty small key, just at a local pub.

You ran the Local Lineup parties in Melbourne, aimed at showcasing local producers. Do you think it's hard for drum & bass producers to get their tracks heard?

Well, in Melbourne it is. We don't have much public or internet radio. But the fact is not that it's hard for people to get their tunes heard, but that it's hard to get your production to a good standard. There are people writing beats, but not many mentors or people able to give advice. Also, there's not as much incentive for peeps to work hard at writing beats, as there's no labels in Australia and so not much of a scene. So over in Melbourne we see drum & bass as very much a UK thing.

Do you have any tips for aspiring producers?

The same old things: use high quality samples and try and be original. Peeps in the UK don't need my advice, but for all the Aussie heads reading this just put your head down. You've got to make some sacrifices if you want your music to sound good. More doing and less dreaming. Are there any other Australian producers that we should look out for? Personally, we've got the whole Pendulum thing going on in Perth. There are some dudes over there that are writing that type of sound. But for the music that I really like, rolling deep and dirty bass lines, I don't know anyone else in Australia writing that sound. It's weird.

Are you looking forward to coming over to the UK, and how do the crowds differ to those in Australia?

Well I've only done one date so far, in Bedford. It was a pretty rowdy crowd. Melbourne is a pretty conservative place, so I'm looking forward to getting down with the UK scene. Your current night Wobble is billed as Melbourne's top drum & bass night.

What do you like about Melbourne as a city, and would you ever consider moving?

What do I like about Melbourne? Not much to be honest. I mean the laws there are crazy. The government is getting out of control in my opinion. They need to take a step back and let people be people. I would like to get out of there some time. It's just that my night Wobble is so popular. I can't really leave at the moment.

I've got to send shouts to Heartical Hi Fi Soundsystem. It's what I use for Wobble. It's a proper Jamaican style sound system, the only one like it in Australia. Wobble has been great for Melbourne because it's the first proper party to use proper sound. It's a shame when people go out and can't experience drum & bass because the sound systems aren't moving any air.

As a radio presenter yourself, do you think drum & bass gets much coverage in the mainstream media in Australia?

Just in the last year. Since Pendulum really blew up commercial radio has started playing drum & bass for the first time. So the future is definitely looking good.What's next from Cubist? Just keep writing beats. I really think I'm starting to get my own little sound happening. I want to get in the studio and keep working. I've got about 60 finished tunes. I want to start an Australian label as releasing vinyl would lift the profile of drum & bass in Australia. It's time it happened, and I'm ready to do it.

And finally, what can we expect from your mix?

A selection of my tunes. It's definitely on more of the jump-up tip. A few dirty bits there to, and some mellowness at the end.

Glegg announces plans for 'extreme makeover' of politics

An article written for the satirical news website cultsa.com. View the original here.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has announced plans to perform an ‘extreme makeover’ on British politics if his party achieve power in the election today. Although details on the policy are hazy, it is assumed the makeover will involve British politics receiving a complete transformation at the hands of a team of plastic surgeons, dietary technicians and style gurus.

After a traumatic amount of facial reconstruction, which will hopefully transform British politics’ expression from a wistful smirk into a permanent leer, she will then receive a tortuous amount of dental work, as her mouldy molars are replaced with a blindly bright set of prosthetic teeth.

Once her lips have been pumped so full of collagen it looks like two salmon are flirting around her mouth, she will then be subjected to the merciless attention of an army of hair and fashion stylists, under the command of fashion zealot and inexplicable cultural sensation Gok Wan. The asexual enigma described his philosophy as “all about the confidence. We’re going for less Queen Liz and more Queen Latifah. We’re going to make sure British politics is confident in her own skin, and by that I mean force her to get her baps out on national TV”.

British politics admitted to mixed emotions when she heard the news: ‘Initially I felt it was a bit of a back handed insult, volunteering me for an extreme makeover. I mean what’s wrong with me as I am? But then I realised that at the end of the day it’s a free tit job. I mean 65 years of a two party system has left me with breasts down to my knees’.

While Politics is busy being made over, Colin and Justin will be secretly ushered into the House of Commons with the aim of giving the bastion of British democracy a much needed ’60 minute makeover’. The tired combination of green leather and varnished wood is going to be ripped out and replaced with a tasteful ‘moon safari’ theme.

Clegg defended the decision, saying “It’s time to drag British politics into the twenty first century. I think we can all admit that British politics is definitely looking its age, and the parliamentary system needs a shake-up…not to mention a bikini wax and an arse lift. It’s the only way that she might look attractive enough for the electorate to take an interest in her again. In fact I’ve got a semi just thinking about it…’.

Profile of Darkvibe Recordings

An article I was commissioned to write by Knowledge magazine. View the original here.

Although only a fledgling label, Darkvibe Recordings has already made its presence felt on the d&b scene. Formed in September 2008 by British producer Plex, the label has been pushing its own brand of 'electro jump up' through releases from an international roster of artists. Tracks such as Hypnotized by Plex and Extraterrestrials by Ravager have been assaulting the d&b charts, with Extraterrestrials receiving radio play on Crissy Criss' 1Xtra show. We caught up with Plex to find out what the label is about and what they have planned for the future...

You were previously signed to Blame's 720 Degrees imprint. What made you decide to set up your own label?

It all started in 2002 when I signed my first release New Episode and Speedfreak. Blame was well established at that point and I was going to all the big nightclubs with him promoting my release. I was meeting all the top artists in the business and passing round CDs. It gave me a good look at how things worked and a proper insight into promoting a label. I then spent a few years promoting Darkvibe Recordings and when the name and logo started to get noticed I launched the label.

'Dark vibes' seems to accurately describe the tone of most of your releases. Is this a deliberate theme?

Yes it is. My music has always had that edge to it. New Episode was a very dark track, but I naturally find myself drawn into dark underground rollers, and this is what the label is all about.

What is happening with the label at the moment?

I have five artists onboard now which are myself, DBRuk, VTech, Ghost, Ravager and a vocalist, Jeffie Dillard, and we all bring our own dark flavours to the table. I have my new single Drug Bust out at the end of May and a new single from Ravager called Satellites out at the end of June. Right now I'm working on a new album called Psychotic Lullaby which is out this summer.

What are your plans for the future of the label?

I'm still focusing on what I've been doing for the last few years: pushing the sound in the right direction, but also giving artists a chance to get their music heard, as a lot of them struggle to find a label that will take them on.

Have you got any plans to expand the label?

Yes most definitely. I'm not just about drum'n'bass, I'm about music. It's in my blood. I have recently been producing the final mixes of an unsigned post-punk band called Dutch Order who many people, including myself, believe are gonna be big news. I also get so many demos sent to me from artists of all genres like dubstep, house and most categories of drum'n'bass, so I decided as I have worldwide distribution I should be looking into setting up some sub-categories on the label to cater for all this.

Profile of Dysphemic for Knowledge magazine

An article I was commissioned to write for Knowledge magazine. See the original here.

Dysphemic is an Australian drum'n'bass and dubstep producer who has recently finished a live tour of Europe. With a debut EP about to be released on his self-titled label and an album in the pipeline, we thought it was time to catch up with the man himself…

What made you set up a label?

I never wanted to have to compromise my sound by having to deal with a bunch of industry people, so I set up Dysphemic Productions. Now I have complete creative control over my music and I can manage the way I promote myself. I love being my own boss.

How do you feel you fit into the Australian d'n'b and dubstep scenes?

Dubstep is alive and growing fast in Melbourne, but I like to think my dubstep differs from the standard wobble-heavy basslines. It's definitely more glitchy and melodic than your average dubstep. As for my d'n'b, it's a lot darker and nastier than the standard jump-up classics. I'm generally booked to play when the crowd is ready to get crazy loose. I'm not a DJ: all my sets are 100% original material, so I have heaps of control over the direction of my sets.

Are the scenes closely linked there or are they quite self-contained?

Yes definitely. They go hand-in-hand here in Australia.

Were any producers or labels a particular influence on your sound?

Computer game music (especially Amiga) was pretty much my original influence. Blood Fist records were the crew who actually got me into writing electronic music in the first place. Their use of trackers was a massive influence on how I used to (and still do) write most of my tracks. Squarepusher was also another major inspiration for me.

You used to be a member of a speedcore group. Has this had an influence on how your approach music?

Yes. Even to this day my tunes still have a heavy use of vocal samples from B grade horrors movies which was a direct influence from speedcore and gabba. I’m always experimenting and cross connecting different styles. I guess this has freed up my style a bit and made it less formulaic.

What are your plans for the future?

After this Hypnosis album is released my next album, which is already underway, will be a return to some darker drum'n'bass sounds. I’m thinking of a corrupt cops / politicians theme, but we’ll see what happens.

As for touring, I’m interested in touring America and eventually Europe again. It’ll be large.

Dr Who Makes First Public Appearance Since Molestation Charges

An article written for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

The celebrity time traveller ‘Dr Who’ appeared on television screens across the nation on Saturday night, marking his first public appearance since admitting to a string of affairs with his female companions stretching back over 35 years.

In front of a conference of hand-picked journalists from across the galaxy, the disgraced time-traveller admitted ‘I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that I lived beyond the rules of space, time and moral decency. By the end I had molested my way through most of the milky way. Those girls just couldn’t resist the chance to touch my sonic screwdriver’.

The 900-year-old lethario finally agreed to appear at a press conference in order to seek closure on the subject, allowing him to return to a highly lucrative career consisting of running around quarries in Kent being chased by badly pixelated aliens while spouting incomprehensible techno-babble. He admitted he had used promises of extraterrestrial adventures to lure young wenches into his TARDIS, where he proceeded to perform lude sexual acts while humming his own theme tune. However he maintained he was the victim of a sexual addiction for which he is now seeking therapy on his home planet of Gallifery.

The reaction from fans has been mixed. Terry Watson, a 45-year-old, terminally unemployed singleton and certified Dr Who obsessive, told Cultsha ‘locked inside a confined space with an array of feisty yet incredulous companions, it’s hardly surprising the Doctor gave in to temptation. It’s certainly a scenario that’s kept me entertained through the lonely, semen-stained nights’.

However one disgruntled Dalek was less sympathetic: ‘It’s disgraceful! Dr Who is a role model for a huge number of people. I can’t believe he thinks he can grope his way across the galaxy, and then simply return to public life after such a limp apology. He must pay for his insolence by being taken to the courts of Skaro and exterminated!’.

This is not the first time the Doctor has been the subject of controversy. The time lord has been haunted for years by speculation over his use of plastic surgery, rumoured to be responsible for his continually changing face.

COMIC

FULL MONO is a comic created and drawn by Patrick Savile, which I was asked to write. Read my synopsis below:

"Welcome to the world of Mono Kitson. A slightly strange girl, living in a slightly strange part of North London. It's a world of hangovers and hand-me-downs, one night stands and one week lie-downs.

Orbiting Mono is a close-knit group of faces. A party bag of punks, drunks, squatters and pill poppers. And a cat with serious delusions of grandeur. You might like them. You might not. They're a bit like Marmite®.

Mono doesn't really long for anything, but if she did, it would be to carry on living the simple life. But that would be boring, plot-wise. Luckily for us, when your list of lovers is almost as long as your police record, trouble is never far away.

If that wasn’t enough, there are dark murmurs among the party crowd. People are starting to go missing, and the police are sniffing around. Something is definitely off in the district of Northtown, and for once it's not just the contents of Mono's refrigerator… "


ISSUE ONE OUT NOW!!!
AVAILABLE TO VIEW AT THE FULL MONO BLOG:
http://fullmono.blogspot.com/2009/07/issue-one.html

OR DOWNLOAD FOR FREE AT: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?xyzly2jm3kj

Darling Forces Britain To Holiday In Skegness

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

Britain is going to be taken to Skegness for its summer holiday this year, and not to the south of France as was previously hoped, Alastair Darling admitted yesterday.

In his 2010 Budget announcement, the Chancellor said the fragile state of the British economy ruled out an expensive trip abroad for the third year in a row, although the budget could stretch to a few days in a reasonably priced Bed & Breakfast somewhere on the East coast.

Economics expert Ted Burllington stated “the slow recovery from the recession means that Britain has already had to cancel its Easter ski trip to the Alps, and news that it won’t even have a decent summer holiday to look forward to will be taken extremely badly. Normally the Chancellor would try and soothe any resentment by promising to buy Britain a 99 flake when they get to Skegness. However due to inflation these now cost about £1.40 and are simply too expensive, not to mention a blatant case of false advertisement”.

Britain is reported to be disgruntled by the idea of yet another holiday within its own borders, especially as it had already gone out and bought all its beach gear in the winter sales. It’s expected Britain will use the money saved from the holiday to spend an afternoon in a tanning salon giving itself third degree burns and exponentially increasing its chances of getting skin cancer, in a vain attempt to pretend to its mates that it went on a ‘real’ holiday.

Critics were quick to contrast Britain’s blighted holiday prospects with the stronger economies of France and Germany, who have both booked trips to the Maldives, where they plan to have a fling with a Latino pool attendant called Pablo.

Conservative leader David Cameron has stated that if his party gets into power they will organise a concerted campaign of banging their feet against the back of the driver’s seat and squabbling over the Nintendo DS until the Chancellor gives up and agrees to take Britain somewhere sunny with a decent-sized swimming pool.

New Research Reveals All Scouts Were Nazis

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 9 March 2010. View the original here.

Nazi attempts to establish close links with the boy scout movement caused a security panic of pant-wetting proportions in pre-war Britain, according to MI5 documents released today.

Recently disclosed government files have revealed a relationship between Britain’s scouts and Germany’s Hitler Youth more incestuous than a Fritzl family holiday. Asked for his verdict, cultural historian Burke Dig admitted “with hindsight all the warning signs were there: the uniforms, the oaths of allegiance, the endless lessons about the racial superiority of the Aryan master race.”

But Pat Bullington, an avid scout member in the late 1930s, was surprised by the findings: “As a young lad I never thought anything of it. I always enjoyed the sense of camaraderie that we had at our meetings, or ‘rallies’ as we called them back then. But I admit a few eyebrows were raised when they began issuing badges in anti-Semitism and eugenics, alongside the more traditional subjects of rambling and knot-tying.”

“I had no idea that my scoutmaster, Kommandent Heidrich Ichman, had any links with Germany. He was a thoroughly nice chap and I have many fond memories of sitting round the campfire after a long day’s hike, while he would read us excerpts from Mein Kampf. We were all surprised and saddened when he suddenly decided to immigrate to the Bolivian rainforest with a hoard of Swedish gold in June 1945. The last I heard he was trying to secretly clone an army of Hitlers in his jungle laboratory, but I guess we all get more eccentric with age.”

While the diabolical attempt of some scout troops to indoctrinate battalions of pint-sized fascists was thankfully a failure, its legacy can still be felt today in the generation of octogenarians with an irrational fear of immigrants, foreign food and the unnerving ability to watch Schindler’s List the whole way through without crying once.

The revelation has been described by critics as the biggest scandal to rock the youth movement since it was revealed the Girl Guides were being secretly funded by Peter Stringfellow.

Climate Change Less Credible Than ‘Avatar’, Poll Shows

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.
The proportion of adults who believe climate change is a reality dropped by 30% over the last year, in direct contrast to the percentage who believe Pandora, the fictional planet from James Cameron’s blockbuster ‘Avatar,’ actually exists, a new poll revealed this week.

Over 70 people were questioned in the survey, which took place outside the Wolverhampton branch of the Odeon cinema. The questionnaire asked each individual to rate climate change on a scale of credibility ranging from ‘as certain as a Toyota trying to kill you’ to ‘about as likely as Haiti hosting the 2016 Olympics’.

The results of the poll have caused alarm amongst environmentalists and scientists alike. One climate expert reluctantly acknowledged “three hundred years of regimented empirical experiment and analysis is no match for the wonders of 3D cinema. I mean have you seen that battle at the end? I was all like no way this is totally real!”.

It seems that the call of the Na’vi is impossible to resist, with even Climate Secretary Ed Milliband photographed on Hamstead Heath in the early hours of Sunday morning, covered in blue face paint and hurling faeces at passers-by while ranting incoherently about ’saving the Tree of Voices’.

Fluctuations in public opinion towards climate change have prompted many environmental groups to re-think their approach to campaigning. The executive director of Greenpeace Jonathan Herb admitted concerns that “after watching Avatar, people find it hard to empathise with the plight of humans, who they associate with those evil military-industrialist types depicted in the film. No one seems interested in saving the planet, unless said planet is inhabited by a race of blue-skinned cat people that seem to be constructed from a combination of several vaguely racist stereotypes”.

“As a result we’ve urgently petitioned James Cameron to produce a new film to
remind the public that climate change is a very real threat to mankind. I suggested he remake the 1992 children’s eco-classic ‘Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest’, except in 3D and really sh*t. But then I realised he’s just done that”.

France refuses citizenship to shaved woman

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 4 February 2010 . View the original here.

The French government has refused to grant citizenship to a foreign national on the grounds that he forced his wife to shave.

Immigration minister Eric Besson said the application was refused because the individual was depriving his wife of the liberty to come and go with her face covered with hair.

The minister described how “eet became apparent during ze regulation investigation and ze prior interview zat zis person was compelling his wife to cover her body with a trimmer or waxing products from head to toe before she went out een public. He was clearly depriving her ov ze god-given right to display her natural arm pit forests, grotesque hobbit legs and possibly even a wispy moustache. Zis is a clear rejection of ze French principles of tolerance and equality between men and women.”

The news follows hot on the heels of a French parliamentary committee proposition calling for a ban on full body shaving. It also recommended that anyone showing visible signs of “extremist fundamentalist personal hygiene practice” be refused residence permits and citizenship.

Despite being the proud owner of a suspiciously well groomed wife himself, President Sarcozy went on record to say “a full body shave ees a challenge to our republic. Being able to display your body hair in public ees a natural right, neigh, a duty for every French citizen. We must condemn zis excess”.

The controversy has sparked rumours of whether a similar ban would be proposed on this side of the channel. However Home Secretary Alan Johnson was quick to tell journalists “legislation telling people how to maintain your bodies is fundamentally un-British. This country has a long and dignified history of allowing its citizens to use grooming products. In fact I’ve just paid for the wife to get a Brazlian. And very nice it looks to”.

Charity singles ‘worse than earthquake’ say Haiti survivors

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

After suffering a devastating earthquake only days ago, the Caribbean island of Haiti is bracing itself for a second seismic disaster, this time in the form of an onslaught of charity singles.

The first tremors were felt on Tuesday when Robbie Williams revealed he would be re-joining former Take That band members to sing a verse of the Simon Cowell-sponsored cover of the suicide-inducing ‘Everybody Hurts (In Haiti)’. Since then the musical monstrosity has had vocals added by such humanitarian luminaries as Susan Boyle, Will Young and Dappy from N-Dubz.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who personally requested Cowell organise the charity track, said he thought the single would make a big difference: “The agony and anguish of the people in Haiti that we are seeing on our television screens is something that the British public want to respond to. However a decade of sordid reality TV has left the nation emotionally stunted and drained of any sense of empathy for our fellow man. The only way we can expect people to donate is by paying ninety-nine pence on the i-tunes website to download four minutes of musical pap. Having said that I love any excuse to hear Will Young’s silky smooth voice. It’s like having a whole bar of Galaxy poured in your ear”.

Real charities can only look on in amazement at these fair-weather friends of adversity. A spokesperson for Oxfam revealed “we simply don’t have the resources or the publicity to compete with these celebrities. We wanted to make a charity song ourselves, but all we could afford was seventy seconds of studio time with Jimmy Nail and the drummer from Hanson.”

The scene on the ground is equally bleak. First hand reports reveal that precious little of the food and medical aid sent has reached the island, as cargo planes are constantly requisitioned to fly over philanthropic Hollywood stars.

Yet amidst the chaos there are success stories. Only yesterday a man was pulled out alive from the Port-Au-Prince branch of HMV, after being trapped for twelve days under an avalanche of copies of the ill-conceived charity collaboration between Jay-Z and U2. He described how “I survived by reading Kerry Katona’s autobiography ‘Too Much, Too Young’ from cover to cover. It gave me a chance to put things in perspective and made me realise how much worse my situation could be.”

Wooton Bassett Residents Stage Morris Dance In Afghan village

An article I first wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 6 Januray 2010. View the original here.

A dance troupe from the Wiltshire parish of Wooton Bassett has announced plans for a morris dance through the Afghan town of Jalamabad in a daring response to extremist leader Anjem Choudary’s decision to organise a Muslim anti-war demonstration in their own West Country village.

John Rosebottom, chairman of the Wooton Bassett Morris Dancing and Real Ale Appreciation society, denied claims that the dance was merely a publicity stunt, stating “the procession through Jalamabad is an attempt to engage the Afghan people with the reality of contemporary morris culture, not to mention dousing ourselves in nine percent cider and having a playful grope at the bossoms of a few buxom wenches.”

While Choudray’s extremist party Islam4UK caused outrage this week by claiming his march will include 500 coffins symbolising the Muslim dead from the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan, the Wiltshire morris men will also be carrying coffins, symbolising the death of traditional folk dance in rural Britain. The rest of the organised jig will consist of grown men dressed in ill fitting white gowns adorned with bells and ribbons, prancing through the streets of the quiet Afghan town in front of an audience of bemused locals and Taliban fighters, and culminating in a dance round the maypole in the centre of the bustling marketplace.

Muhammed Mazari Sharif, a local Muslim cleric, spoke out against the march, stating “it’s disgraceful the way these English think they can simply come over here and inflict their culture on us. The people of Jalamabad are decent, quiet, pragmatic people and I’m sure they’ll stay at home instead of reacting to the dance”.

“Thankfully there is only a tiny minority of morris dancers in Afghanistan and I don’t expect this event to have any wider support. Personally I prefer the hypnotic hip gyrations of that infidel temptress Lady GaGa.”

Nick Clegg’s ‘Change in 2010′ Speech Leaves Britain Speechless

An article published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 5 January 2010. View the original here.

In a speech that had President Obama phoning him up for tips, Nick Clegg’s infamous ‘change in 2010’ speech, which delivered a new year message to the masses on December 31^st,has been hailed by a board of speech writers, backbench MPs and Ben Elton as the ‘Speech of the Decade’.

In 2009, a year which saw economic and political certainties collapse like an Ikea-fitted kitchen, it seems one man answered the clarion call of a nation in distress. Combining the rousing nationalist rhetoric of Churchill with the clinical criticism of Cowell, Mr Clegg finally lifted the veil on the hypocrisy and dishonesty that has tainted Westminster.

With a sincerity rarely seen in modern politics, the Lib Dem leader began his speech by pointing out that politicians could not keep on ‘just telling people what they want to hear’. As if this bombshell wasn’t enough, he went on to brilliantly illustrate his point by viciously attacking bankers for ‘gorging themselves on bonuses’.

An unnamed Lib Dem MP described his reaction after the speech: ‘When he first struck out against the bankers I literally couldn’t believe my ears. I knew he wanted to make a cutting speech that wouldn’t just attack the same old issues the public love to hate, but I assumed he would have stuck to softer targets such as Bin Laden or Jedward. City Bankers are a universally loved institution, and to criticise their much deserved annual bonuses was a gutsy move.’

But Mr Clegg didn’t stop there. Like some sort of maverick cop from a 1970’s TV show, Clegg refused to play by the rules. Sticking two fingers to ‘the man’, he went even further with his tirade, condemning his Labour and Tory contemporaries for having ‘learned to parrot the language of change’. Wary that this criticism had been made towards his own party in the past, Mr Clegg finally unveiled his own painfully detailed vision for the future of Britain as ‘big, permanent change for the better’.

As the applause subsided, it was almost possible to hear an audible cheer around the country as the nation rallied behind the one man who dared to defy convention by offering a concrete solution to Britain’s problems. And who went about doing so without simply relying on the same old meaningless soundbites about ‘change’ and a ‘better future’.

‘He’s a maverick’, admitted Deputy Leader Vince Cable. ‘You just never know what that guy is gonna say when he get’s to the podium. But goddamit he gets results!”

Goddamit!

A collaboration with graphic designer Patrick Savile (www.partlycivil.com). It was intended as the first in a series of humorous pastiches of famous historical photographs.

British Army Bishop Joins Taliban

An article first published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 19 December 2009. View the original here.
The new bishop to the British armed forces has apologised after admitting to a surprise conversion to Islam last week.

The Reverend Stephen Veneer made the announcement yesterday during a controversial interview with the Daily Telegraph, where he stated the Taliban could “be admired for their conviction to their faith and their sense of loyalty to each other” before adding “fair play, those guys don’t just talk the talk, they walk the walk”.

The Reverend represents the latest in a series of disillusioned Anglican clergy who have swapped their dog collars for AK-47s to pursue a campaign of religious fundamentalist carnage in the Middle East, citing religious apathy back home as a key factor:

“To be honest, I don’t think the British soldiers really cared whether I was there or not. During my sermons I’d often catch them staring into space or writing down cheats for Call of Duty 2: Modern Warfare in their Bibles. But those Taliban really take their religion seriously. I finally feel like I’m making a difference.”

One MP declared the bishop’s comments ‘about as sensitive as pebble-dash toilet paper’ bearing in mind the current public mood, and drew specific attention to his description of Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar as ‘an all round top bloke’.

However Rev Veneer said he would be “deeply grieved” if anyone had taken offence at his comments and hoped his conversion had not jeopardized his job. “I’d hate to be thought of as unpatriotic,” he said, while feverishly burying a Soviet E-19 landmine at the side of a road regularly used by British forces. “Far from it. I am still very supportive of the infidel invaders…err I mean our brave lads”.

The former bishop has also strongly denied any rumours that he is now heading up Taliban operations in the troubled Uruzgan province of Northern Afghanistan.

Society faces collapse as Jeremy Kyle expert caught lying

First published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 7 December 2009. View the original here.

In an incident that is likely to tear a rent in the very fabric of British society, Bruce Burgess, the TV lie detector expert for ITV’s The Jeremy Kyle Show, was yesterday given a suspended prison sentence…for lying.

Despite the minor nature of the offence, forecasters predict the knock-on effects are likely to be catastrophic. In a country brought to its knees by greed-fuelled bankers and corrupt politicians, The Jeremy Kyle Show stood as the last bastion of morality, providing a daily dose of home-grown justice for a population no longer grounded in the rigid doctrines of institutionalised religion.

Each week members of the public are herded onto a platform and forced to confess to sins such as selling their child for a rock of crack or spending all the child benefit at Ladbrokes. Meanwhile from atop his pulpit Jeremy works the crowd up into a Nuremberg-esque frenzy of vitriolic wrath. The condemned are then given an opportunity to repent and bathe in the forgiveness of St Kyle, before being led away to begin a new life.

Yet without this daily televised ordeal of the triumph of good over evil, the invisible walls of decency and respect that protect our fragile civilisation look set to crumble like a sandcastle built by a partially-sighted four year old.

In a statement released today Dirk Twigg, High Priest of The Holy Church of Kyle, announced “in a secular country such as Britain, St Jezza is the only representation of divine retribution. When even his trusty disciple Bruce Burgess, detector of lies, is caught telling porkies, what hope is there for the rest of us poor souls?”

No hope at all according to local authorities, who have already issued statements advising all citizens to board up doors and windows and watch from the safety of their rooftops as the fragile equilibrium between right and wrong is finally shattered and the country descends into an anarchy of Mad Max 2 proportions.

Christmas Rescheduled to Avoid Clash with Susan Boyle’s Album

An article I wrote for the satirical news website Cultsha.com on 23 November 2009. View the original here.

Christmas has been rescheduled to a wet Tuesday in February to avoid clashing with the release of Susan Boyle’s debut album, the Vatican revealed today. The record, entitled ‘I Dreamed a Dream’, has already shot to the top of the Amazon pre-order charts, and has been hailed by Pope Benedict XVI as “without a doubt the most important event to have ever happened at this time of year”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has agreed with the unprecedented decision to shunt aside Christ’s birth in favour of the album launch, stating “this story of a humble person from a distant land with unkempt facial hair who defied authority and convention to preach a message of tolerance and understanding, has touched the hearts of people throughout the world”.

Although it is not certain exactly what the ‘dream’ of the album’s title refers to, the amount of hype generated so far means we can safely assume Susan has had some sort of prophetic vision revealing a new path for humanity that will rid the world of war and disease, or possibly she has discovered a form of renewable energy that will finally bring to an end the world’s dependency on fossil fuels and ultimately halt climate change.

The CD itself will be a technological first, with the disc constructed purely from hyperbole and national over-sentimentality, while its cover will be made from recycled copies of the 1997 Daily Mail front-page that announced Princess Diana’s death.

The Britain’s Got Talent star recently came under criticism from Sharon Osbourne, who described the singer as looking like “she’d been forced to the ground and repeatedly beaten with heavy sticks crudely fashioned from branches of the ugly tree”. However Osbourne was forced to retract her statement almost immediately in a public act of repentance, for fear of being burned as a heretic.