Christmas has been rescheduled to a wet Tuesday in February to avoid clashing with the release of Susan Boyle’s debut album, the Vatican revealed today. The record, entitled ‘I Dreamed a Dream’, has already shot to the top of the Amazon pre-order charts, and has been hailed by Pope Benedict XVI as “without a doubt the most important event to have ever happened at this time of year”.
The Archbishop of Canterbury has agreed with the unprecedented decision to shunt aside Christ’s birth in favour of the album launch, stating “this story of a humble person from a distant land with unkempt facial hair who defied authority and convention to preach a message of tolerance and understanding, has touched the hearts of people throughout the world”.
Although it is not certain exactly what the ‘dream’ of the album’s title refers to, the amount of hype generated so far means we can safely assume Susan has had some sort of prophetic vision revealing a new path for humanity that will rid the world of war and disease, or possibly she has discovered a form of renewable energy that will finally bring to an end the world’s dependency on fossil fuels and ultimately halt climate change.
The CD itself will be a technological first, with the disc constructed purely from hyperbole and national over-sentimentality, while its cover will be made from recycled copies of the 1997 Daily Mail front-page that announced Princess Diana’s death.
The Britain’s Got Talent star recently came under criticism from Sharon Osbourne, who described the singer as looking like “she’d been forced to the ground and repeatedly beaten with heavy sticks crudely fashioned from branches of the ugly tree”. However Osbourne was forced to retract her statement almost immediately in a public act of repentance, for fear of being burned as a heretic.
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