Nick Clegg’s ‘Change in 2010′ Speech Leaves Britain Speechless

An article published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 5 January 2010. View the original here.

In a speech that had President Obama phoning him up for tips, Nick Clegg’s infamous ‘change in 2010’ speech, which delivered a new year message to the masses on December 31^st,has been hailed by a board of speech writers, backbench MPs and Ben Elton as the ‘Speech of the Decade’.

In 2009, a year which saw economic and political certainties collapse like an Ikea-fitted kitchen, it seems one man answered the clarion call of a nation in distress. Combining the rousing nationalist rhetoric of Churchill with the clinical criticism of Cowell, Mr Clegg finally lifted the veil on the hypocrisy and dishonesty that has tainted Westminster.

With a sincerity rarely seen in modern politics, the Lib Dem leader began his speech by pointing out that politicians could not keep on ‘just telling people what they want to hear’. As if this bombshell wasn’t enough, he went on to brilliantly illustrate his point by viciously attacking bankers for ‘gorging themselves on bonuses’.

An unnamed Lib Dem MP described his reaction after the speech: ‘When he first struck out against the bankers I literally couldn’t believe my ears. I knew he wanted to make a cutting speech that wouldn’t just attack the same old issues the public love to hate, but I assumed he would have stuck to softer targets such as Bin Laden or Jedward. City Bankers are a universally loved institution, and to criticise their much deserved annual bonuses was a gutsy move.’

But Mr Clegg didn’t stop there. Like some sort of maverick cop from a 1970’s TV show, Clegg refused to play by the rules. Sticking two fingers to ‘the man’, he went even further with his tirade, condemning his Labour and Tory contemporaries for having ‘learned to parrot the language of change’. Wary that this criticism had been made towards his own party in the past, Mr Clegg finally unveiled his own painfully detailed vision for the future of Britain as ‘big, permanent change for the better’.

As the applause subsided, it was almost possible to hear an audible cheer around the country as the nation rallied behind the one man who dared to defy convention by offering a concrete solution to Britain’s problems. And who went about doing so without simply relying on the same old meaningless soundbites about ‘change’ and a ‘better future’.

‘He’s a maverick’, admitted Deputy Leader Vince Cable. ‘You just never know what that guy is gonna say when he get’s to the podium. But goddamit he gets results!”