Thursday 25 March 2010

Darling Forces Britain To Holiday In Skegness

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

Britain is going to be taken to Skegness for its summer holiday this year, and not to the south of France as was previously hoped, Alastair Darling admitted yesterday.

In his 2010 Budget announcement, the Chancellor said the fragile state of the British economy ruled out an expensive trip abroad for the third year in a row, although the budget could stretch to a few days in a reasonably priced Bed & Breakfast somewhere on the East coast.

Economics expert Ted Burllington stated “the slow recovery from the recession means that Britain has already had to cancel its Easter ski trip to the Alps, and news that it won’t even have a decent summer holiday to look forward to will be taken extremely badly. Normally the Chancellor would try and soothe any resentment by promising to buy Britain a 99 flake when they get to Skegness. However due to inflation these now cost about £1.40 and are simply too expensive, not to mention a blatant case of false advertisement”.

Britain is reported to be disgruntled by the idea of yet another holiday within its own borders, especially as it had already gone out and bought all its beach gear in the winter sales. It’s expected Britain will use the money saved from the holiday to spend an afternoon in a tanning salon giving itself third degree burns and exponentially increasing its chances of getting skin cancer, in a vain attempt to pretend to its mates that it went on a ‘real’ holiday.

Critics were quick to contrast Britain’s blighted holiday prospects with the stronger economies of France and Germany, who have both booked trips to the Maldives, where they plan to have a fling with a Latino pool attendant called Pablo.

Conservative leader David Cameron has stated that if his party gets into power they will organise a concerted campaign of banging their feet against the back of the driver’s seat and squabbling over the Nintendo DS until the Chancellor gives up and agrees to take Britain somewhere sunny with a decent-sized swimming pool.

Tuesday 23 March 2010

New Research Reveals All Scouts Were Nazis

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 9 March 2010. View the original here.

Nazi attempts to establish close links with the boy scout movement caused a security panic of pant-wetting proportions in pre-war Britain, according to MI5 documents released today.

Recently disclosed government files have revealed a relationship between Britain’s scouts and Germany’s Hitler Youth more incestuous than a Fritzl family holiday. Asked for his verdict, cultural historian Burke Dig admitted “with hindsight all the warning signs were there: the uniforms, the oaths of allegiance, the endless lessons about the racial superiority of the Aryan master race.”

But Pat Bullington, an avid scout member in the late 1930s, was surprised by the findings: “As a young lad I never thought anything of it. I always enjoyed the sense of camaraderie that we had at our meetings, or ‘rallies’ as we called them back then. But I admit a few eyebrows were raised when they began issuing badges in anti-Semitism and eugenics, alongside the more traditional subjects of rambling and knot-tying.”

“I had no idea that my scoutmaster, Kommandent Heidrich Ichman, had any links with Germany. He was a thoroughly nice chap and I have many fond memories of sitting round the campfire after a long day’s hike, while he would read us excerpts from Mein Kampf. We were all surprised and saddened when he suddenly decided to immigrate to the Bolivian rainforest with a hoard of Swedish gold in June 1945. The last I heard he was trying to secretly clone an army of Hitlers in his jungle laboratory, but I guess we all get more eccentric with age.”

While the diabolical attempt of some scout troops to indoctrinate battalions of pint-sized fascists was thankfully a failure, its legacy can still be felt today in the generation of octogenarians with an irrational fear of immigrants, foreign food and the unnerving ability to watch Schindler’s List the whole way through without crying once.

The revelation has been described by critics as the biggest scandal to rock the youth movement since it was revealed the Girl Guides were being secretly funded by Peter Stringfellow.

Climate Change Less Credible Than ‘Avatar’, Poll Shows

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.
The proportion of adults who believe climate change is a reality dropped by 30% over the last year, in direct contrast to the percentage who believe Pandora, the fictional planet from James Cameron’s blockbuster ‘Avatar,’ actually exists, a new poll revealed this week.

Over 70 people were questioned in the survey, which took place outside the Wolverhampton branch of the Odeon cinema. The questionnaire asked each individual to rate climate change on a scale of credibility ranging from ‘as certain as a Toyota trying to kill you’ to ‘about as likely as Haiti hosting the 2016 Olympics’.

The results of the poll have caused alarm amongst environmentalists and scientists alike. One climate expert reluctantly acknowledged “three hundred years of regimented empirical experiment and analysis is no match for the wonders of 3D cinema. I mean have you seen that battle at the end? I was all like no way this is totally real!”.

It seems that the call of the Na’vi is impossible to resist, with even Climate Secretary Ed Milliband photographed on Hamstead Heath in the early hours of Sunday morning, covered in blue face paint and hurling faeces at passers-by while ranting incoherently about ’saving the Tree of Voices’.

Fluctuations in public opinion towards climate change have prompted many environmental groups to re-think their approach to campaigning. The executive director of Greenpeace Jonathan Herb admitted concerns that “after watching Avatar, people find it hard to empathise with the plight of humans, who they associate with those evil military-industrialist types depicted in the film. No one seems interested in saving the planet, unless said planet is inhabited by a race of blue-skinned cat people that seem to be constructed from a combination of several vaguely racist stereotypes”.

“As a result we’ve urgently petitioned James Cameron to produce a new film to
remind the public that climate change is a very real threat to mankind. I suggested he remake the 1992 children’s eco-classic ‘Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest’, except in 3D and really sh*t. But then I realised he’s just done that”.

France refuses citizenship to shaved woman

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 4 February 2010 . View the original here.

The French government has refused to grant citizenship to a foreign national on the grounds that he forced his wife to shave.

Immigration minister Eric Besson said the application was refused because the individual was depriving his wife of the liberty to come and go with her face covered with hair.

The minister described how “eet became apparent during ze regulation investigation and ze prior interview zat zis person was compelling his wife to cover her body with a trimmer or waxing products from head to toe before she went out een public. He was clearly depriving her ov ze god-given right to display her natural arm pit forests, grotesque hobbit legs and possibly even a wispy moustache. Zis is a clear rejection of ze French principles of tolerance and equality between men and women.”

The news follows hot on the heels of a French parliamentary committee proposition calling for a ban on full body shaving. It also recommended that anyone showing visible signs of “extremist fundamentalist personal hygiene practice” be refused residence permits and citizenship.

Despite being the proud owner of a suspiciously well groomed wife himself, President Sarcozy went on record to say “a full body shave ees a challenge to our republic. Being able to display your body hair in public ees a natural right, neigh, a duty for every French citizen. We must condemn zis excess”.

The controversy has sparked rumours of whether a similar ban would be proposed on this side of the channel. However Home Secretary Alan Johnson was quick to tell journalists “legislation telling people how to maintain your bodies is fundamentally un-British. This country has a long and dignified history of allowing its citizens to use grooming products. In fact I’ve just paid for the wife to get a Brazlian. And very nice it looks to”.

Charity singles ‘worse than earthquake’ say Haiti survivors

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

After suffering a devastating earthquake only days ago, the Caribbean island of Haiti is bracing itself for a second seismic disaster, this time in the form of an onslaught of charity singles.

The first tremors were felt on Tuesday when Robbie Williams revealed he would be re-joining former Take That band members to sing a verse of the Simon Cowell-sponsored cover of the suicide-inducing ‘Everybody Hurts (In Haiti)’. Since then the musical monstrosity has had vocals added by such humanitarian luminaries as Susan Boyle, Will Young and Dappy from N-Dubz.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who personally requested Cowell organise the charity track, said he thought the single would make a big difference: “The agony and anguish of the people in Haiti that we are seeing on our television screens is something that the British public want to respond to. However a decade of sordid reality TV has left the nation emotionally stunted and drained of any sense of empathy for our fellow man. The only way we can expect people to donate is by paying ninety-nine pence on the i-tunes website to download four minutes of musical pap. Having said that I love any excuse to hear Will Young’s silky smooth voice. It’s like having a whole bar of Galaxy poured in your ear”.

Real charities can only look on in amazement at these fair-weather friends of adversity. A spokesperson for Oxfam revealed “we simply don’t have the resources or the publicity to compete with these celebrities. We wanted to make a charity song ourselves, but all we could afford was seventy seconds of studio time with Jimmy Nail and the drummer from Hanson.”

The scene on the ground is equally bleak. First hand reports reveal that precious little of the food and medical aid sent has reached the island, as cargo planes are constantly requisitioned to fly over philanthropic Hollywood stars.

Yet amidst the chaos there are success stories. Only yesterday a man was pulled out alive from the Port-Au-Prince branch of HMV, after being trapped for twelve days under an avalanche of copies of the ill-conceived charity collaboration between Jay-Z and U2. He described how “I survived by reading Kerry Katona’s autobiography ‘Too Much, Too Young’ from cover to cover. It gave me a chance to put things in perspective and made me realise how much worse my situation could be.”

Wooton Bassett Residents Stage Morris Dance In Afghan village

An article I first wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 6 Januray 2010. View the original here.

A dance troupe from the Wiltshire parish of Wooton Bassett has announced plans for a morris dance through the Afghan town of Jalamabad in a daring response to extremist leader Anjem Choudary’s decision to organise a Muslim anti-war demonstration in their own West Country village.

John Rosebottom, chairman of the Wooton Bassett Morris Dancing and Real Ale Appreciation society, denied claims that the dance was merely a publicity stunt, stating “the procession through Jalamabad is an attempt to engage the Afghan people with the reality of contemporary morris culture, not to mention dousing ourselves in nine percent cider and having a playful grope at the bossoms of a few buxom wenches.”

While Choudray’s extremist party Islam4UK caused outrage this week by claiming his march will include 500 coffins symbolising the Muslim dead from the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan, the Wiltshire morris men will also be carrying coffins, symbolising the death of traditional folk dance in rural Britain. The rest of the organised jig will consist of grown men dressed in ill fitting white gowns adorned with bells and ribbons, prancing through the streets of the quiet Afghan town in front of an audience of bemused locals and Taliban fighters, and culminating in a dance round the maypole in the centre of the bustling marketplace.

Muhammed Mazari Sharif, a local Muslim cleric, spoke out against the march, stating “it’s disgraceful the way these English think they can simply come over here and inflict their culture on us. The people of Jalamabad are decent, quiet, pragmatic people and I’m sure they’ll stay at home instead of reacting to the dance”.

“Thankfully there is only a tiny minority of morris dancers in Afghanistan and I don’t expect this event to have any wider support. Personally I prefer the hypnotic hip gyrations of that infidel temptress Lady GaGa.”

Nick Clegg’s ‘Change in 2010′ Speech Leaves Britain Speechless

An article published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 5 January 2010. View the original here.

In a speech that had President Obama phoning him up for tips, Nick Clegg’s infamous ‘change in 2010’ speech, which delivered a new year message to the masses on December 31st,has been hailed by a board of speech writers, backbench MPs and Ben Elton as the ‘Speech of the Decade’.

In 2009, a year which saw economic and political certainties collapse like an Ikea-fitted kitchen, it seems one man answered the clarion call of a nation in distress. Combining the rousing nationalist rhetoric of Churchill with the clinical criticism of Cowell, Mr Clegg finally lifted the veil on the hypocrisy and dishonesty that has tainted Westminster.

With a sincerity rarely seen in modern politics, the Lib Dem leader began his speech by pointing out that politicians could not keep on ‘just telling people what they want to hear’. As if this bombshell wasn’t enough, he went on to brilliantly illustrate his point by viciously attacking bankers for ‘gorging themselves on bonuses’.

An unnamed Lib Dem MP described his reaction after the speech: ‘When he first struck out against the bankers I literally couldn’t believe my ears. I knew he wanted to make a cutting speech that wouldn’t just attack the same old issues the public love to hate, but I assumed he would have stuck to softer targets such as Bin Laden or Jedward. City Bankers are a universally loved institution, and to criticise their much deserved annual bonuses was a gutsy move.’

But Mr Clegg didn’t stop there. Like some sort of maverick cop from a 1970’s TV show, Clegg refused to play by the rules. Sticking two fingers to ‘the man’, he went even further with his tirade, condemning his Labour and Tory contemporaries for having ‘learned to parrot the language of change’. Wary that this criticism had been made towards his own party in the past, Mr Clegg finally unveiled his own painfully detailed vision for the future of Britain as ‘big, permanent change for the better’.

As the applause subsided, it was almost possible to hear an audible cheer around the country as the nation rallied behind the one man who dared to defy convention by offering a concrete solution to Britain’s problems. And who went about doing so without simply relying on the same old meaningless soundbites about ‘change’ and a ‘better future’.

‘He’s a maverick’, admitted Deputy Leader Vince Cable. ‘You just never know what that guy is gonna say when he get’s to the podium. But goddamit he gets results!”

Goddamit!

A collaboration with graphic designer Patrick Savile (www.partlycivil.com). It was intended as the first in a series of humorous pastiches of famous historical photographs.

British Army Bishop Joins Taliban

An article first published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 19 December 2009. View the original here.
The new bishop to the British armed forces has apologised after admitting to a surprise conversion to Islam last week.

The Reverend Stephen Veneer made the announcement yesterday during a controversial interview with the Daily Telegraph, where he stated the Taliban could “be admired for their conviction to their faith and their sense of loyalty to each other” before adding “fair play, those guys don’t just talk the talk, they walk the walk”.

The Reverend represents the latest in a series of disillusioned Anglican clergy who have swapped their dog collars for AK-47s to pursue a campaign of religious fundamentalist carnage in the Middle East, citing religious apathy back home as a key factor:

“To be honest, I don’t think the British soldiers really cared whether I was there or not. During my sermons I’d often catch them staring into space or writing down cheats for Call of Duty 2: Modern Warfare in their Bibles. But those Taliban really take their religion seriously. I finally feel like I’m making a difference.”

One MP declared the bishop’s comments ‘about as sensitive as pebble-dash toilet paper’ bearing in mind the current public mood, and drew specific attention to his description of Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar as ‘an all round top bloke’.

However Rev Veneer said he would be “deeply grieved” if anyone had taken offence at his comments and hoped his conversion had not jeopardized his job. “I’d hate to be thought of as unpatriotic,” he said, while feverishly burying a Soviet E-19 landmine at the side of a road regularly used by British forces. “Far from it. I am still very supportive of the infidel invaders…err I mean our brave lads”.

The former bishop has also strongly denied any rumours that he is now heading up Taliban operations in the troubled Uruzgan province of Northern Afghanistan.

Society faces collapse as Jeremy Kyle expert caught lying

First published on the satirical news website cultsha.com on 7 December 2009. View the original here.

In an incident that is likely to tear a rent in the very fabric of British society, Bruce Burgess, the TV lie detector expert for ITV’s The Jeremy Kyle Show, was yesterday given a suspended prison sentence…for lying.

Despite the minor nature of the offence, forecasters predict the knock-on effects are likely to be catastrophic. In a country brought to its knees by greed-fuelled bankers and corrupt politicians, The Jeremy Kyle Show stood as the last bastion of morality, providing a daily dose of home-grown justice for a population no longer grounded in the rigid doctrines of institutionalised religion.

Each week members of the public are herded onto a platform and forced to confess to sins such as selling their child for a rock of crack or spending all the child benefit at Ladbrokes. Meanwhile from atop his pulpit Jeremy works the crowd up into a Nuremberg-esque frenzy of vitriolic wrath. The condemned are then given an opportunity to repent and bathe in the forgiveness of St Kyle, before being led away to begin a new life.

Yet without this daily televised ordeal of the triumph of good over evil, the invisible walls of decency and respect that protect our fragile civilisation look set to crumble like a sandcastle built by a partially-sighted four year old.

In a statement released today Dirk Twigg, High Priest of The Holy Church of Kyle, announced “in a secular country such as Britain, St Jezza is the only representation of divine retribution. When even his trusty disciple Bruce Burgess, detector of lies, is caught telling porkies, what hope is there for the rest of us poor souls?”

No hope at all according to local authorities, who have already issued statements advising all citizens to board up doors and windows and watch from the safety of their rooftops as the fragile equilibrium between right and wrong is finally shattered and the country descends into an anarchy of Mad Max 2 proportions.

Christmas Rescheduled to Avoid Clash with Susan Boyle’s Album

An article I wrote for the satirical news website Cultsha.com on 23 November 2009. View the original here.

Christmas has been rescheduled to a wet Tuesday in February to avoid clashing with the release of Susan Boyle’s debut album, the Vatican revealed today. The record, entitled ‘I Dreamed a Dream’, has already shot to the top of the Amazon pre-order charts, and has been hailed by Pope Benedict XVI as “without a doubt the most important event to have ever happened at this time of year”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has agreed with the unprecedented decision to shunt aside Christ’s birth in favour of the album launch, stating “this story of a humble person from a distant land with unkempt facial hair who defied authority and convention to preach a message of tolerance and understanding, has touched the hearts of people throughout the world”.

Although it is not certain exactly what the ‘dream’ of the album’s title refers to, the amount of hype generated so far means we can safely assume Susan has had some sort of prophetic vision revealing a new path for humanity that will rid the world of war and disease, or possibly she has discovered a form of renewable energy that will finally bring to an end the world’s dependency on fossil fuels and ultimately halt climate change.

The CD itself will be a technological first, with the disc constructed purely from hyperbole and national over-sentimentality, while its cover will be made from recycled copies of the 1997 Daily Mail front-page that announced Princess Diana’s death.

The Britain’s Got Talent star recently came under criticism from Sharon Osbourne, who described the singer as looking like “she’d been forced to the ground and repeatedly beaten with heavy sticks crudely fashioned from branches of the ugly tree”. However Osbourne was forced to retract her statement almost immediately in a public act of repentance, for fear of being burned as a heretic.

Report Shows Tough Love Breeds Children ‘Who Won’t Ruin Everything’

An article first published on the satirical news website Cultsha on 13 November 2009. View the original here.


It’s time to put the ‘tough’ back into ‘tough love’, and probably take out the ‘love’ part as well, according to a new report on parenting released this week. Research by think tank Demos claims children that grow up with a laissez faire parenting structure are almost three times as likely to become plaid underpant-wearing art critics or IT consultants , while those who are subjected to rigid discipline at home are statistically more likely to take on ‘proper’ jobs, such as blacksmithing or bullet-proof vest tester.

Report author Jen Lemmon commented; “For too long children have grown up on a diet of Nintendo Wiis, cheesestrings and Government-endorsed speed. The evidence shows we must radically alter this touchy feely attitude to parenting if we are to prevent the creation of another generation of reality TV stars and celebrity chefs who think the pinnacle of success is to let the whole world watch you masturbate with a liquid storage device and then subsequently die of cancer against the background noise of nationwide hypocritical mourning”.

“Parents need to stop styling themselves as an inspirational Mary Poppins figure and start following the lead of Supernanny, ruling their offspring with the iron fist of a cold war despot, imbibing them with a deap-seated sense of shame, and regularly imprisoning them for days under the guise of a behavioural tool known as a timeout.“

Instead of insulating children in a cocoon of bubblewrap and good intentions, the report implies households should be run along the lines of a Dickensian workhouse, with coal smeared infants blinking back tears of gratitude for a second handful of cold gruel.

The issue has been raised in the House of Commons, where a proposition has been put forward to lower the legal working age to four in order to toughen up Britain’s pre-teens.

First time mother Kelly, from Glasgow, has already taken the advice on board. “I used to shower my three year old son with sweets and cider and happily plonk him down in front of the TV at the end of the day. Now I keep him locked under the stairs with only a live wasps nest to play with. It may have scarred him psychologically, but hopefully he’ll grow up to be a cage fighter rather than a masseuse”.

Friday 12 March 2010

Government Drugs Advisor Resigns Over X factor Row

My first article to be published on the satirical news website Cultsha.com on 5 November 2009. See the original article here.


Leading scietntist Professor David Knutt was sacked today by Home Secretary Alan Johnson for suggesting watching The X Factor was less harmful than alcohol or tobacco.

Prof Knutt, who made headlines earlier this year for claiming that watching Britain’s Got Talent is no more dangerous than taking ecstasy, chaired an independent Advisory Council for 18 months, which was assigned the task of making scientific recommendations to ministers on how to classify Saturday evening primetime TV shows, based on the harm they can cause.

Since music talent contests were downgraded in 2004 there has been widespread concern about the increased prevalence of stronger strains available, such as the two hour long X Factor finals. Recent research has drawn links with a variety of psychotic illnesses, with current contestants John and Edward cited as an example of X Factor-induced schizophrenia, with both boys seemingly convinced they can sing and dance.

The Home Secretary, who has admitted watching the Eurovision song contest as a student, told MPs: “We have all dabbled with the reality music contest format at one time or another, if only to stare in transfixed wonderment at the expressionless mask of that character vacuum Danii Minogue. However there is a compelling case for us to act now, rather than risk sucking a generation of young people into a world of hopelessly unrealistic expectations of superstardom, through bad renditions of mediocre big band tunes and dance moves that Steps’ choreographer wouldn’t touch.”

However awareness groups are keen to point out the dismissal of Prof Knutt alone is not enough. Brad Delford of support group ‘Fighting Attitudes to Musical Entertainment’ (F.A.M.E) said “we should try and tackle the social causes of the reality music show pandemic, rather than simply combating its effects. For many young people from deprived backgrounds, a hit of X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing can provide the only escape from a monotonous routine of hedonistic drug taking”.