Report Shows Tough Love Breeds Children ‘Who Won’t Ruin Everything’

An article first published on the satirical news website Cultsha on 13 November 2009. View the original here.

It’s time to put the ‘tough’ back into ‘tough love’, and probably take out the ‘love’ part as well, according to a new report on parenting released this week. Research by think tank Demos claims children that grow up with a laissez faire parenting structure are almost three times as likely to become plaid underpant-wearing art critics or IT consultants , while those who are subjected to rigid discipline at home are statistically more likely to take on ‘proper’ jobs, such as blacksmithing or bullet-proof vest tester.

Report author Jen Lemmon commented; “For too long children have grown up on a diet of Nintendo Wiis, cheesestrings and Government-endorsed speed. The evidence shows we must radically alter this touchy feely attitude to parenting if we are to prevent the creation of another generation of reality TV stars and celebrity chefs who think the pinnacle of success is to let the whole world watch you masturbate with a liquid storage device and then subsequently die of cancer against the background noise of nationwide hypocritical mourning”.

“Parents need to stop styling themselves as an inspirational Mary Poppins figure and start following the lead of Supernanny, ruling their offspring with the iron fist of a cold war despot, imbibing them with a deap-seated sense of shame, and regularly imprisoning them for days under the guise of a behavioural tool known as a timeout.“

Instead of insulating children in a cocoon of bubblewrap and good intentions, the report implies households should be run along the lines of a Dickensian workhouse, with coal smeared infants blinking back tears of gratitude for a second handful of cold gruel.

The issue has been raised in the House of Commons, where a proposition has been put forward to lower the legal working age to four in order to toughen up Britain’s pre-teens.

First time mother Kelly, from Glasgow, has already taken the advice on board. “I used to shower my three year old son with sweets and cider and happily plonk him down in front of the TV at the end of the day. Now I keep him locked under the stairs with only a live wasps nest to play with. It may have scarred him psychologically, but hopefully he’ll grow up to be a cage fighter rather than a masseuse”.