New Research Reveals All Scouts Were Nazis

An article I wrote for the satirical news website cultsha.com on 9 March 2010. View the original here.

Nazi attempts to establish close links with the boy scout movement caused a security panic of pant-wetting proportions in pre-war Britain, according to MI5 documents released today.

Recently disclosed government files have revealed a relationship between Britain’s scouts and Germany’s Hitler Youth more incestuous than a Fritzl family holiday. Asked for his verdict, cultural historian Burke Dig admitted “with hindsight all the warning signs were there: the uniforms, the oaths of allegiance, the endless lessons about the racial superiority of the Aryan master race.”

But Pat Bullington, an avid scout member in the late 1930s, was surprised by the findings: “As a young lad I never thought anything of it. I always enjoyed the sense of camaraderie that we had at our meetings, or ‘rallies’ as we called them back then. But I admit a few eyebrows were raised when they began issuing badges in anti-Semitism and eugenics, alongside the more traditional subjects of rambling and knot-tying.”

“I had no idea that my scoutmaster, Kommandent Heidrich Ichman, had any links with Germany. He was a thoroughly nice chap and I have many fond memories of sitting round the campfire after a long day’s hike, while he would read us excerpts from Mein Kampf. We were all surprised and saddened when he suddenly decided to immigrate to the Bolivian rainforest with a hoard of Swedish gold in June 1945. The last I heard he was trying to secretly clone an army of Hitlers in his jungle laboratory, but I guess we all get more eccentric with age.”

While the diabolical attempt of some scout troops to indoctrinate battalions of pint-sized fascists was thankfully a failure, its legacy can still be felt today in the generation of octogenarians with an irrational fear of immigrants, foreign food and the unnerving ability to watch Schindler’s List the whole way through without crying once.

The revelation has been described by critics as the biggest scandal to rock the youth movement since it was revealed the Girl Guides were being secretly funded by Peter Stringfellow.