Glegg announces plans for 'extreme makeover' of politics

An article written for the satirical news website cultsa.com. View the original here.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has announced plans to perform an ‘extreme makeover’ on British politics if his party achieve power in the election today. Although details on the policy are hazy, it is assumed the makeover will involve British politics receiving a complete transformation at the hands of a team of plastic surgeons, dietary technicians and style gurus.

After a traumatic amount of facial reconstruction, which will hopefully transform British politics’ expression from a wistful smirk into a permanent leer, she will then receive a tortuous amount of dental work, as her mouldy molars are replaced with a blindly bright set of prosthetic teeth.

Once her lips have been pumped so full of collagen it looks like two salmon are flirting around her mouth, she will then be subjected to the merciless attention of an army of hair and fashion stylists, under the command of fashion zealot and inexplicable cultural sensation Gok Wan. The asexual enigma described his philosophy as “all about the confidence. We’re going for less Queen Liz and more Queen Latifah. We’re going to make sure British politics is confident in her own skin, and by that I mean force her to get her baps out on national TV”.

British politics admitted to mixed emotions when she heard the news: ‘Initially I felt it was a bit of a back handed insult, volunteering me for an extreme makeover. I mean what’s wrong with me as I am? But then I realised that at the end of the day it’s a free tit job. I mean 65 years of a two party system has left me with breasts down to my knees’.

While Politics is busy being made over, Colin and Justin will be secretly ushered into the House of Commons with the aim of giving the bastion of British democracy a much needed ’60 minute makeover’. The tired combination of green leather and varnished wood is going to be ripped out and replaced with a tasteful ‘moon safari’ theme.

Clegg defended the decision, saying “It’s time to drag British politics into the twenty first century. I think we can all admit that British politics is definitely looking its age, and the parliamentary system needs a shake-up…not to mention a bikini wax and an arse lift. It’s the only way that she might look attractive enough for the electorate to take an interest in her again. In fact I’ve got a semi just thinking about it…’.