Dr Who Makes First Public Appearance Since Molestation Charges

An article written for the satirical news website cultsha.com. View the original here.

The celebrity time traveller ‘Dr Who’ appeared on television screens across the nation on Saturday night, marking his first public appearance since admitting to a string of affairs with his female companions stretching back over 35 years.

In front of a conference of hand-picked journalists from across the galaxy, the disgraced time-traveller admitted ‘I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that I lived beyond the rules of space, time and moral decency. By the end I had molested my way through most of the milky way. Those girls just couldn’t resist the chance to touch my sonic screwdriver’.

The 900-year-old lethario finally agreed to appear at a press conference in order to seek closure on the subject, allowing him to return to a highly lucrative career consisting of running around quarries in Kent being chased by badly pixelated aliens while spouting incomprehensible techno-babble. He admitted he had used promises of extraterrestrial adventures to lure young wenches into his TARDIS, where he proceeded to perform lude sexual acts while humming his own theme tune. However he maintained he was the victim of a sexual addiction for which he is now seeking therapy on his home planet of Gallifery.

The reaction from fans has been mixed. Terry Watson, a 45-year-old, terminally unemployed singleton and certified Dr Who obsessive, told Cultsha ‘locked inside a confined space with an array of feisty yet incredulous companions, it’s hardly surprising the Doctor gave in to temptation. It’s certainly a scenario that’s kept me entertained through the lonely, semen-stained nights’.

However one disgruntled Dalek was less sympathetic: ‘It’s disgraceful! Dr Who is a role model for a huge number of people. I can’t believe he thinks he can grope his way across the galaxy, and then simply return to public life after such a limp apology. He must pay for his insolence by being taken to the courts of Skaro and exterminated!’.

This is not the first time the Doctor has been the subject of controversy. The time lord has been haunted for years by speculation over his use of plastic surgery, rumoured to be responsible for his continually changing face.